Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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