Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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