we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
