if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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