if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
