Yo dont text me then not text me
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
