New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I'm passing your future prison.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
