You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
