I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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