In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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