Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I FOUND THE LEGS
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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