she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
