I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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