Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
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All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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