is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
