Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
