The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
