dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
we're chasing vodka with high fives
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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