Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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