speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
