Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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