My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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