Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
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Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
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Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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