Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
