I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Found your dick twin last night
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
