He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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