you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I wish I had a tail.
...why not?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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