i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
