i think i have two assholes
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
