Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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