You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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