God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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