Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
