What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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