just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Randomize
