Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Can you bring me the toilet please
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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