I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
