I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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