i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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