Cold hands, warm shart.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
