Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
