I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
