i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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