I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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