I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
