I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
it's like heaven, but drunker
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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