I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
