Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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