ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
