We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
