all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
