did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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