Pants 0. Shit 1.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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