She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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