So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
