I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
