I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
