The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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