Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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