btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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