I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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