It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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